Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
