one two three fourrrrnication!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
