I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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