My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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