I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
