After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
