so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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