Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
