Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize