Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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