I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
