Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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