okay pat passed out under dana's car
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
