So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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