Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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