38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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