You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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