I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
