I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
