I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
