I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
