my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
