I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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