I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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