You really coming over, don't trick.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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