can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
