It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
