Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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