There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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