My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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