You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
