Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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