She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
