You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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