cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My dad just said "fuck circus"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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