Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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