3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
