don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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