I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
