I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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