I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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