i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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