I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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