I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
