I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
