You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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