I want to have your abortion
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
