its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
