Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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