He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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