everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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