Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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