Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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