His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
