i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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