you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
