Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I lost the right to judge tonight
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
