He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
