I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
