grandma shit on top of the toilet
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
