i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
