This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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