I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
