I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
